Farmers Watching Farmers Wanting Wives is a special Voice of Real Australia newsletter from Julia "Sunset" Wythes, Hayley "Picnics" Warden and Ashley "Throw Cushions in the Ute Tray" Walmsley, bringing you all the daily drama of the reality TV show.
The speed-dates are in full swing in episode two of Farmer Wants A Wife, as the remaining two farmers - Joe and Tom - vet their ladies before selecting their top five to take home to the farm.
Not one to be shy, office administrator and island dweller Keely is keen to see Farmer Joe's brand. The giggly gal asks him for a "sneak peek" under his shirt, but he politely declines the offer to rip his clothes off for the entire nation.
A few of the women arrive bearing gifts.
Farmer Joe is given some socks to keep his tootsies warm in the Snowy. (The generous gifter instructs him to smell them because they smell like her.)
Fashion stylist Calya brings along some tough, jerky-like delicacy. Farmer Joe rips it apart in record time, declaring, "It's the old canines coming in there".
Then, it's Farmer Tom's turn to begin the process. He confides that he mostly only meets people at stores where he's shopping and that it's awkward to go back into that shop when the relationship takes a nosedive. "I've definitely dated myself out of shopping in a few stores," he says.
Hairdresser Emma can't wait to "get on the farm, take my nails off, possibly tie my hair up, and get into it". Unfortunately, she never makes it beyond the barrel room. She departs with her nails intact and her hair flowing freely in the breeze.
Uni student Sarah A has never been in a relationship before, so she has decided to give it a red hot crack for all of Australia to see.
At the end of the day, Farmer Joe chooses Claire, Keely, Sarah, Calya, and Chelsea, while Farmer Tom takes Krissy, Taylah, Abby, Sarah A, and Sarah C home to the farm.
Host Sam Farmytage advises each farmer to select their favourite lady for the first 24-hour date, ultimately giving them a head-start on the other girls.
She describes it as "precious alone time, just the two of you," which is absolutely not true.
We jump in the Isuzu and steam up to Farmer Bert's place, where he informs us he is keen to "get down and dirty and pick some pineapples". Caity harvests her first-ever pineapple. "I did not think pineapples could ever be that sexy," she swoons.
She feeds him pineapple and giggles. "That is very attractive; I'm trying to keep it together," she confides. Which part of it was "very attractive"? Nobody is sure.
At Farmer Dean's place, Brisbane girl Bella kicks off her farm tour in a romper and tiny sandals and quickly realises it was not the perfect outfit choice after all. She makes hard work of walking across a paddock, so Dean scoops her up and carries her out of there.
At Farmer Tom's farm, Krissy, who's never seen cows up close, is terrified when they approach the vehicle, so she promptly puts the window up to stop them jumping in the car.
Farmer Tom chucks them a bale of mouldy-looking hay, and to her credit, Krissy emerges from the car to help.
At Farmer Dustin's place, Sophie gets emotional when she notes the similarities between her father's and Dustin's love of the land.
Then, it's time for the farmers to prepare for an intimate evening with their chosen ladies.
Farmer Bert gets teary-eyed talking about his lacklustre love life ahead of his date with Caity. The pair write their initials on the candle-laden jetty at the dam to commemorate their first date, and then they smooch.
Over at Farmer Tom's place, he takes Krissy on an outdoor dinner date. She tells us she has butterflies, horses, and cows running around in her stomach. I'm not sure what they ate for dinner, but it sounds like it didn't agree with her. They discuss "the whole marriage and kids situation" and share their first kiss.
Dustin and Sophie set up camp on a flatbed truck, swarming with candles, for their date, but there is no kiss.
In the near-freezing conditions in the Snowy, Claire tells Joe that their date by the campfire was the best first date she's ever had. They seal it with a kiss.
Farmer Dean takes Bella to the local pub for a feed. He wears his "pub shoes, no holes ... I'm getting pretty dressed up for Bella tonight, I reckon". Meanwhile, Bella dons stilettos and a sparkly, strapless mini-dress. The rest of the pub patrons will need to book an appointment with the chiro ASAP after all the rubber-necking they did to gawk at the couple. Bella has been on-farm for approximately 2.5 hours and can DEFINITELY see herself living out her days there.
But the peace and quiet are short-lived when carloads of excited, squealing women storm into the farms with hard-shell roller luggage, which inevitably gets hooked on something in the haul across the gravel or lawn from the vehicle to the house every single season.
Farmer Bert's ladies don't waste time commencing a full-blown investigation into their 24-hour date. Caity deflects the questioning to Bert when they are asked if they kissed; Bert answers the boob-tube, sandal-wearing assembly with precisely these words: "If you all want to put some jeans and boots on, get ready, and we'll go and get some work done."
A confident Karli tells us, "I try not to think about it too much because, at the end of the day, he will be all mine, and I won't need to worry about any of that."
Well, only time will tell Karli. Only time will tell.
Farmer Wants a Wife is on Channel 7 on Sundays, Mondays and Tuesdays.
