Farmers Watching Farmers Wanting Wives is a special Voice of Real Australia newsletter from Julia "Sunset" Wythes, Hayley "Picnics" Warden and Ashley "Throw Cushions in the Ute Tray" Walmsley, bringing you all the daily drama of the reality TV show.
The solo dates and slow-motion walking/horse riding through paddocks and pineapple plantations continue in episode five of Farmer Wants A Wife.
Tonight, viewers were treated to not one but two heated dinner party exchanges, a sheep mounting incident and a surprise fish-kiss before one overwhelmed farmer bolted from the dinner table for the hills.
First, we swing by a freshly-shaven Farmer Joe's place, where he and Sarah head off for a solo date.
A measured Farmer Joe tells us that if he doesn't feel something with Sarah, it is "potentially a do-or-die situation," which seems a little theatrical, however, as they hike across steep and rocky terrain, I see what he was getting at.
Farmer Joe ominously tells us he's "looking forward to jumping into the rest of this date" before jumping into a swimming hole with Sarah. They kiss passionately in the water.
Farmer Dean and Teegan visit Australia Zoo, with the former still stewing over the damning (and confusingly anonymous) text message he received about Teegan at the country show.
They have a grand old time patting the rhinos and feeding the giraffes, and then Farmer Dean leans in for a kiss but only manages to land one on her forehead. They decide to ignore the silly text and move on and seal it with a kiss (on the lips) this time.
Farmer Bert surprises Caitlin by driving her to her favourite fishing spot in her hometown of Bribie Island.
They drop by a bait and tackle shop owned by Caitlin's parents, where Bert meets her mum.
"You want some worms?" she asks the excited couple.
Mum looks chuffed with Farmer Bert, and I reckon she quickly jumps online to order four fishing shirts in size 000.
As they drive across the beach, Caitlin tells us she's "going to get her shoes off."
Bert one-ups Caitlin with, "I'm ready to get my clothes off".
So perhaps those baby clothes may come in handy sooner than we first thought.
The competitive nature of their fledgling relationship is on full display as the pair engage in an energetic pun-off.
The double entendres are flying left, right, and centre.
"Are you going to teach me how to tie the knot?" Farmer Berts asks.
"Am I the catch of the day, you reckon?" Caitlin fires back.
"We've caught each other; I think it's a sign," she continues.
Deft fisher Caitlin catches an actual fish, and Farmer Bert swiftly shoves it in her face so she can kiss it.
They set up a picnic on the beach, and Caitlin tells us she "could be Bert's cup of tea" as they sip tea.
Then she kisses him (Bert this time).
Farmer Tom and Sarah C explore his area: a winery, followed by a boat tour and dinner on a jetty.
"I'm just a young bloke from the bush having a crack," Farmer Tom says.
Farmer Dustin and Chloe head off for a one-on-one date, and he presents her with a padlock on which they write their initials and lock it on a fence.
"It's not Paris but you know in Paris how they do the lock thing," Farmer Dustin attempts to explain.
"Well, this is the Condo version."
After a truck-back dinner, he's mid camera-chat when Chloe ambles over.
"Me and Chloe have a really good connection, and I think that chemistry we have ....." he starts but is cut off.
"I forgot to give you something from earlier," she interrupts, and plants one on his lips.
"Oh, ok, thanks", he responds awkwardly. "I wasn't expecting that."
None of us were.
Farmer Joe gets his ladies out on the farm to put some portable panels together.
Calya swans on to the scene late wearing a puffy pink dress, John Lennon shades and a floppy bucket hat.
"Oh, you are all done, damn."
"Going into the dinner tonight, my tongue is in my stomach again," she tells us, presumably attempting to convey fear.
Over at Farmer Tom's, Sarah A shows her enthusiasm for farm activity day by mounting a sheep before she wrestles it to the ground as per instructions, much to the amusement of the other ladies.
"We are shaving sheep's bums essentially," she confirms to viewers.
Then, it's time for farm farewells.
Caity pulls Farmer Bert aside for a chat to let him know the depths of her feelings. She asks for a kiss, and he politely declines the kind offer, signalling it's time for her to leave the pineapple life behind.
Farmer Joe is confused about who to send home. To make matters even more confusing for the man, Keely decides to not so discreetly hint to the other women at the dinner table that she and Farmer Joe kissed at the country show, describing him as "playful and cheeky".
They are highly suspicious and a cat is pelted into the pigeons when Farmer Joe confirms those suspicions. There are tears, accusations and Calya leaves the table. All the while, Farmer Joe examines the food on his plate with an unwavering focus.
With emotions running high, he decides to restore peace and doesn't send anyone home.
Farmer Dustin also doesn't farewell anyone.
Farmer Tom farewells farm girl Taylah, who fancied herself as the most suited to him. She is upset about being friend-zoned but wishes him all the best.
Things are also tense at Farmer Dean's; Bella and Tiffany's noses are out of joint because it's become the "Dean and Teegan Show".
At dinner, Bella questions Dean about lavishing all his attention on Teegan.
"Without stepping on toes, have either of you put in any effort?" Teegan counters.
This leads to a rapid-fire volley of accusations.
A miffed Tiff returns serve, "We all put in effort; you can't say you're the only one who puts in effort."
"I'm not saying that," Teegan fires back.
"Well, it sounds like you are," Tiff snaps.
"We tried to put in effort, and it didn't go anywhere, so we were like, why are we going to keep trying." Bella pipes up again.
'So why are you still here if you're not going to try," a defensive Teegan fires back again.
Farmer Dean is following the rally being slogged out in front of him, as the ball lands in each of their courts.
He eventually becomes completely overwhelmed and decides he should be the one to leave the farm so he can spend the night in peace and mull it all over.
He gets up from the table and jumps in the ute as the ladies watch the taillights disappear into the night.
"That was unexpected," Bella says.
The game is halted with the scores locked at three-all in the second set.
Farmer Wants a Wife is on Seven
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